The Photo

This picture was inspired by a scene at the end of chapter nine of my shonan-ai original story, "Clarion Call" [link] in which Jin finds a picture in Fabian's study that causes him some bittersweet distress.

When I had planned out the chapter, the study scene wasn't in it. It was one of those things that happened as I was writing that I just went with...and for some reason it remains one of my favorite parts. I'm not sure why, I love Jin and he got so distressed over that picture, his amnesia, that even I was sniffling as I wrote it.

Maybe that's why i like it so much.

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I tried to color this with extremely poor poor results. I kind of like the gritty rawness of the pencil and that of course, made it harder for me to color since I am not skilled yet. I know some of the anatomy is off but I still really like this pic overall. Some day, when i have the skills of a goddess, if such a day ever comes, I'll attempt to draw the sweet scene depicted in the picture for myself....

Fabian and "Clarion Call" are c Me, Myself, and I. Jin is cowoned by and I

Excerpt:

Finding my guardian after I got changed became akin to a scavenger hunt. The estate was huge; even with one wing shut it still took me twenty minutes of opening and closing doors to find Fabian, finally, in the study, papers scattered across the desk. Seeing I had finally successfully tracked him down I knocked softly on the doorjam.

He turned from the desk, gazing over the top of a pair of small gold wire-rimmed glasses. The glasses were new to me; they managed to give him an almost distinguished air. He had changed out of his special spirit hunting attire and exchanged it for a loose long-sleeved dark wine-colored button down shirt-which was open to the fourth button-and a pair of black cotton pants.

"I was just getting caught up on some of these papers," he said with a smile, indicating the spread of typed documents over the desk.

"Are these from your class?" I asked, insanely relieved that he was acting as if the awkward scene in the jacuzzi hadn't happened.

"Correct," he replied with a nod.

"Do you like teaching?" I asked, obeying his casual gesture to come in.

"How could I not enjoy showing off my extensive knowledge of human history to a captive, and ruthlessly tested, audience?"

"Of course," I said, a smile finally breaking free. "They really have no idea just how fortunate they are," I added, a little sarcastic
tone in my voice as I got closer to the desk.

"I'm so glad you agree," Fabian chuckled.

I only half heard him, however. A picture on his desk arrested me attention and my heart began to pound as I reached over for it. I felt my breath catch in my throat as I held the small silver frame with both hands.

"Ah," Fabian said quietly, "You can blame that on Gretchen. She said it would have been a crime to not preserve such an unwitting display of innocence for all time."

For some reason I couldn't quite figure out, I had the intense desire to cry. It was a picture of Fabian and I. My guardian in a casual fall jacket lying on his back, hands above pillowing his head. And...me...curled up, head on his chest, sleeping. Both of us were sleeping. Behind us stretched what looked like a river bank and the bluest body of water I'd ever seen...

Curled up next to him, on him, a me I couldn't remember was peacefully sleeping. My voice disappeared.

"Two months ago," Fabian was wistful. "Things had been getting incredibly tense with the shrouds. I decided we needed a vacation at the lake for a few days. Gretchen packed us a picnic that first day. Neither one of us had been sleeping well. I suppose the complete peace of that place lulled us both into unconsciousness..."

A me I couldn't remember was sleeping on Fabian's chest, above his heart, as if it were the most natural thing in the world, as if it was the best bed in the universe...

"Gretchen has a larger copy in her room. She's a bit sentimental."

"I don't....remember," I croaked as despair and longing for this captured moment filled me.

Fabian's hand was suddenly on my cheek. He had gotten to his feet and was standing over me. Very gently he took the picture from my hands. I let go reluctantly as if by holding it I could somehow reconnect with the me in the picture, the one who still knew everything.

"Someday," he began tenderly, "I'll take us all back there. Maybe to live there for the rest of forever..."

I choked back tears, suddenly grabbing the sleeves of his shirt as I leaned my forehead into his chest and shook.

"Jin..." he whispered, wrapping his arms around me. The frustration, the confusion was killing me. Why? What was the cosmic purpose of leaving me bewildered with only haltingly crude emotions to direct me when it seemed I had once had so much? How could the me in that picture, cuddling insensibly with Fabian on the bank of a beautiful lake, not be happier than I was right now despite everything Fabian had told me? Why in gods name couldn't I understand anything?

"I want...I want this one," I cried, not knowing whether he could understand me as his shirt absorbed the tears from my eyes the moment they left me. "Just...this one. Can't I have this memory back? Just this one little one? Why is it...so much to ask?" I floated by, let everyone else decide my destiny....was it really so much to ask for the memory of a moment of joy?

Fabian said nothing but wrapped his arms around me comfortingly, protectively, and let me cry. After a few moments I heard his voice near my ear. "Come on...dinner should be ready by now." I nodded, wiping my eyes childishly on the sleeve of my shirt, and let him lead me from the room